New Discoveries in Paleography, by Peter Shilston

The archaeological team is proud to report a major breakthrough in the excavations at building 402. Painstaking work by our experts has enabled us to transcribe some of the writing from fragments of a document which has, quite by chance, survived to destruction which overtook the settlement. Although the language of these vanished people is still wholly unknown to us, we are able to make a few tentative guesses as to the document’s nature and meaning.

   It was clearly some form of letter addressed to the resident. It would appear that his name was:

  “New Bengal Restaurant and Takeaway”

And that he lived in a street called:

   “Opening Soon!”

In the town, or possible the province, of

   “Free Delivery on Telephone Orders!”

“New”, as he was probably called by his friends and family, would have read, on the reverse of this letter, communications such as:

  

   “Lamb Samosa £4.20”,   and

   “Chicken Biryani £7.50”

There has been speculation in certain of the media that the recipient was a priest in a temple, and that these words were religious chants or magical incantations. I have even seen sensational so-called “reconstructions”, where New and his family are depicted standing in a circle to perform these rituals. I must stress that, in our opinion, there are as yet no grounds whatsoever for any such fancies. The writings could just as easily be a bill for repairs to his roof! In the meantime, I once again commend the excellent work of the palaeographers, and wait eagerly for more information about our friend New and his town of Free Delivery.