1. red and yellow leaves
thick-layered
on the art gallery steps
“Baldrick, you are late.”
“Sorry Mr B, but I had to be tested. I made the mistake of eating one of Mrs Miggins’ pies and was so ill I was advised to have a swab stuck down my throat.”
Unfortunately, not far enough mused Blackadder.
“Do you know, Mr B, that the test is so accurate that it can detect a virus that has yet to be isolated?”
“Yes, I know” retorted his employer. “I am a member of Sage”.
“Sage, Sage, isn’t that what Mrs Miggins puts in her pies?”
“No that is hemlock Baldrick, why do you think you were so ill? No, Sage is a group of selfless individuals who only have the interests of the public at heart. They have no political views and totally disregard the economic interests of those who sponsor them. We are all concerned that a virus with a survival rate of over 99% will devastate the country, that is why we are all working night and day, including those of us who can count, to invent new ways to keep the people fearful.”
“If you don’t mind me saying so, Mr B, that doesn’t sound like you.”
“For once, Balders, you are correct. But the truth is I met General Melchett and Captain Darling and they told me of the work they are doing with 75 other officers, to make sure the people are properly informed.”
“But I thought that the General was a barking buffoon and that Darling wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.”
“We know that’s true, but Matt Hancock thought that if the people believed those two, they would believe anybody”.
Then the door flew open.
“I’m back” roared Lord Percy. “I have just been talking to the Prince Regent and he thought about sending a delegation to Cathay to see whether they had a cure.”
At least that is what they thought he said, as much of his tirade was muffled by a mask.
“Take it off Percy, it is just a token of submission, in fact it is pointless, as somebody called Chris Whitty explained way back in March.”
Percy was nonetheless pleased to see that Blackadder was conforming to Social Distancing.
“That’s nothing to do with Covid” argued Blackadder. “If you have to live with Baldrick you will know that things like baths, soap and deodorant are unknown to him, thus Social Distancing is a constant necessity and not a passing medical fashion.”
Their conversation was interrupted by Nursie bursting in.
“Baldrick” she screeched, “Your test was negative, but you still need to be vaccinated. So, my little Dumpling, come with me – and, yes, you can bring your turnip.”
Baldrick was confused. Should he obey this scatty Tudor Wet Nurse, should he listen to Lord Percy, or should decide for himself. He chose the latter; in fact, he devised a Cunning Plan.
Instead of repeating the same policies that didn’t work, as General Melchett would do, or consulting dim Royals as Percy had done, or even bombing Wuhan, as Lord Flashheart would certainly do, he thought he would try something different. He decided to make a video.
He had done this before - Ten exciting things you can do with a Turnip had had millions of hits – this time it would be about comparing earlier epidemics with Covid. He would need a Team of people to go back in Time, but who did he know who could help him. Who had the expertise?
He soon discovered that the Plantagenets did not lock everything down, nor did they shut Churches. Also, Mr Pepys, three centuries later, had been far calmer than the Diarists of today – and even when he was a young guttersnipe, Baldrick remembered far less fuss about the flu in 1968, even though the deaths were far greater.
Thus, Baldrick took to the airways to promote his original ideas. Sadly, no one saw the video as YouTube immediately took it down.
Damn you Captain Darling...
