Badlands, by Peter Shilston

  I found myself in a desert of mounds and hollows. In places the soft rock of which it was composed had been warped and twisted into fantastic spires and towers. Dark caverns gaped.  Everywhere was a pale yellowish brown, save where the livid sunset ahead of me stained some the colour of old blood. Nowhere was there was the least sign of life: not a single insect, not a blade of grass or the skeleton of a dead tree. Nevertheless I pressed onwards towards the light; there was nothing else that I could do.

Dragons' Den, by Mark Lovett

"As all three of our hopefuls tonight are Bishops, perhaps the programme should be called Lion’s Den. Let us pray that none of the hopeful entrepreneurs is named Daniel!"

First into the Den this evening is Peter des Roches. He is a butterfly  farmer and is wishing to expand the business. He seeks 100,000 Marks for a 10% share.

Peter Jones was perplexed. "I have so many companies, so why on earth should I invest in butterflies; an ephemeral business if ever there was one?"

"I think you will find that Damien Hirst has made millions out of them.… and just look at his sell-out exhibitions at Tate Modern and White Cube!"

Theo Pahitis interjected, "As you imply Damien is a millionaire, so why not ask him for an investment? Mrs P. would never forgive me if I lost money on what are little more than colourful moths!"

Touker Suleyman was angry. "Are you the same Peter des Roches who led the Sixth Crusade? Why on earth should I help finance you after your antics in the Levant?"

But Deborah Meadon was more optimistic. "As you know, I own many holiday centres in the West Country. Having a Butterfly farm at each of them would be a great idea. Therefore, I am going to make you an offer. I will give you all of the money, but for 49% of the equity."

"I will have to speak to my partner, King Arthur. It’s all very much in his hands."

Next into the Den is Henri de Blois, who is seeking finance for his publishing venture. He wants an investment of 250,000 Marks for 20% of the business. "I am having a magnificent illuminated Bible produced, but there is also a demand for more modest Bibles from the same source. Sadly, the Prior is not keen for further Monks to form a production line in the Scriptorium; I am searching for solutions, some of which may be expensive."

Duncan Bannatyne was sceptical. "As Johannes Guttenburg and William Caxton have yet to be born, how on earth can you hope to increase production?"

Before Henri could reply, James Caan interrupted. "You are one of the richest men in Europe, so why are you here? Can’t you sub-contract to Glastonbury, or even Cluny?"

"I am anxious not to let the Scribes of Cluny near it as they may use a different font."

"I thought you were an expert on Fonts!" quipped Kelly Hoppen.

"Dragons: all I need is finance to increase production. There is a market and thus a profitable business – please join me!"

Peter Jones relented. "I will give you all the money for 30% of the business, but only if let me digitise it and place it online. If you don’t like the sound of that, you had better contact Mr Morgan in New Amsterdam!"

Finally, stepping out of the lift is Richard Fox. He is seeking 500,000 Marks for a 25% share of his new funeral business: Colourful Coffins. "Dragons, before I invite you to lie down in one of my Italian prototypes: just think how dull funerals have become! Let’s celebrate life with vivid colour, not unvarnished oak! Dante in the Divine Comedy took us on a journey through Hell, Purgatory and finally Heaven. Wouldn’t this be better if we are cloaked in colour rather than camouflaged in sepia?"

"These are very comfortable", said Theo Paphitis, "but they would take up too much room in my Rymans stores."

Duncan Bannatyne was more optimistic. "I run a chain of Old People’s homes: and, not to be too mawkish, that is an obvious market."

Deborah Meadon was horrified at the Glaswegian’s interjection. Also, she was worried about the references to Dante. "I prefer John Bunyan. I’m out!"