I picked the card up from the doormat. After noticing that the very brief message referred to the picture, I turned it over. Well! I don’t consider myself to be at all prudish, but frankly I was astonished – amazed that it was ever allowed to be printed. I prefer to draw a decent veil over what the couple in the picture were doing. What’s more, the male figure, if you can call him that, was a robot. Why? Who dreams up this sort of thing? Whoever it is must have a very peculiar mentality: that’s all I can say. And who would want to buy it? Personally, I’d be far too embarrassed to take it up to the counter; that’s all I can say.
Anyway, I had another look at the message, to try and work out who’d sent this nasty rubbish. All it said was, “This is you!” in capital letters, followed by an email address which I didn’t recognise.
Now I’m sure you’d agree that the most sensible reaction would be to tear up the card and forget the whole thing. For a moment I did intend to do just that, but instead I decided to reply. I spent quite a bit of time thinking up a really clever put-down response and then sent it. I’m not going to tell you what I wrote, but I still think it was pretty funny.
The result wasn’t what I expected, because that same day I received a follow-up, which said, “If you want to discuss this further, come to the ‘Fox and Grapes’ at 9 next Tuesday”. I could have ignored that, of course, but I knew the pub quite well: it was a quiet place, and it never occurred to me that I might get beaten up or anything like that. Besides, I’d have thought up a few more witty lines in the meantime.
So at 9 prompt I was in the saloon bar. And before I’d had time to look around properly, a voice said, “Hello! I knew you’d come!”
It was Sarah! Well, I was completely flummoxed! I’d presumed the card was from a man; some idiot who thought it was screamingly funny, and I was all prepared to turn the joke back on him with a few well-chosen scathing comments. But it was from a girl! And Sarah! Why, I hardly knew her at all!
So there I was, reduced to silence. Then she said, “I thought that postcard would appeal to your quirky sense of humour. I chose it specially.
“Now that you’re here, shall we go somewhere and do it?”
